I'm one of those people who has a public blog, in which I ramble about the daily workings of my life and the things easily explainable. But, I've had an urge to try to write on those things that not easily explained. Everyone has these things--the thoughts, desires, and questions that feel strange when voiced aloud. But I'm going to try. So much is changing and evolving and coalescing in my life at this point, it feels almost suffocating not to let these thoughts leave my body. Even if no one in the world reads this, the point is, I need to write it.
I want to find out who I am. Where to start?
I'm 22 years old.
My name is Rose.
I'm in my final semester of college, studying English with a Literature concentration.
I'm a believer, absolutely, in Christ and the Trinity, but I just can't get on board with so much of the crazy limiting beliefs that seem to go along with "being a Christian." I'm surrounded by people who are, I guess, reformed presbyterians, not that I fully understand what that means, and the idea of elders and presbyters and all these man-made rules is perplexing to me. I feel like God is much more... cool than we realize. Not on sin, I mean. I don't think He isn't severe on hating sin. I know He is. But I can't believe He thinks we have to stand in this straight line that is imagined by so many people. I think He wants us to search and still hold onto His hand. I think He wants us to be alive.
In my Worldviews class last week, my teacher asked that we all brought in three words or phrases to describe the human condition as we saw it. Nearly everyone brought in these rout answers of "fallen, sinful, selfish, misguided, depraved, etc etc," and I brought in"divine," "sensual," and "unconsciously purposeful." My professor was intrigued, and asked me to explain more deeply. I said, rather mildly, and bordering on untruthfully (because I didn't think they would "like" my real answer), that "divine" meant that all humans have a chance for spiritual connection to God. But what I really meant was that I believe SO strongly in the truth of humans being made in the image of God. People get so wrapped up in this "we're soooo fallen, so sinful, totally depraved, there is no good thing in us, etc"---and to an extent, that's true... We can never be perfect. We can't save ourselves; we need Christ. But that doesn't mean there is no good in us! We are still God's creations--we still reflect Him whether we mean to or not.
The idea of "sensual" was more easily explainable, though it was more misinterpreted at first. I don't mean sensual with the connotation of "sexy," I mean that we are earthly, we have senses, we experience the things of the world, and those things--nature, experience, love, emotion, confusion, pain, joy, all physical things--are wonderful, and they are a part of God's intention. I don't think we're meant to live solely for spiritual things.
Unconsciously purposeful is simple--we are in God's plans whether we mean to or not.
Well. There's a good start. More on these perplexities later :)
